an ode to all i long to discard

one day ill have to tell them im a poet, nothing more. that i lack the capacity to judge and long for nothing beyond connection. one day the stars will find out that i never cared for a nobel career or a fuckable torso- that i never really understood why others wished to appear beautiful and praised. one day the tide will notice that we are the same, that i too seem to harm those i merely covet to touch. im afraid he will come to realise that i am less human than others, not in the denotation that my skin isnt real or that my heart fails to beat but more so in that all i desire in return from this life is warmth and a simple melody. i am not similar to anyone ive ever met; my soul alight with the enormity of the oceans and the tenderness of the sun. in a crowd of those trying to achieve something permeant- i am ephemeral in every utterance of the word

niche interests

paddy pimblet, clogs, a picture of dorian grey, naming mac miller songs, anthony bourdian, cmbyn, liverpool fb, for emma, foreverago, crowed house, liam gallager, jacob slater crashouts, fred perry girl, stripes + poka dots, lemon snicket, kings of leon, oil pastels, layne staley, neil from the inbetweeners, that one teeth poem, marlboro reds, guvvos, skinty fia

reasons i am the most horrible person- with examples

  1. on mondays before school, i chain smoke, my hair tangled from the burnt whiskey i lost another weekend to. i pretend to like my friends and pass every class with ease. i shouldve skipped a grade when offered, now i use it as an excuse to rot.
  2. once i killed a cat. unintentionally, yet it died all the same. i didnt stop the car, nor did i turn to see if it could still be saved. its missing poster hangs down the block, i take alternate roots home.
  3. i would be fine if i was forgotten. even more so i would prefer it. there should be at least one person i would miss if i were to leave, however no such person exists. there is none who know me and in that i rejoice. 

my most genuine experiences thus far 

  • jules + his boat
  • cutting my hair in peytons bathtub
  • cutting my hair in the school bathroom
  • killing the cat
  • v v first call with oscar
  • jetty-jumping clothed
  • lighting up w jackson + bailey
  • malik to unbog ethan
  • dropping yr 10
  • pub steps w bailey
  • meeting guvvos
  • luci, hartley, i- hospital
  • call w henry in closet
  • driving into the house

and i used to think you could hear the ocean in a seashell and that there was this great god who loved me. there was a time i thought that if i could render myself good, a man, not quite but almost resembling jesus would use my body as a cross. i used to fear fridays and alcoholics and pre-marital sex. i though the worst that could come of me would be an accidental drowning mere meters from the shore.

 

 

he tells me who hes sleeping with and i write about what it would be like to hold his hand ( i hate it here )

 

i dont have 2b beautiful for my soul 2b

 

 

likes

  • clogs
  • bedsheets
  • coffee
  • lillies
  • jazz 
  • grunge
  • perfume
  • lace
  • durries
  • courtney love
  • patterns + textures
  • revelry
  • kissing
  • sundays

dislikes

i want: a husband, a wife, a supercar, a fish tank, a new set of teeth, a fig, i want to see narnia for the first time again, i want to try mdma, i want to make it out of this pit before it becomes my home

 

 

i wish u thought to me how i do you. i would lay my soul in acid and let the skin that is mine fall away if it made it easier for you to look at me, to pick me. i would hide in the back of your pencil case with all the stale muesli bars and dreams youve forgotten if it means i get to be near you. i will starve myself hollow if you could promise it to be enough. how i have cursed god and all the mountains for not making me as you desire, for making me me, fucked me, and for making me wish for you.

somehow the sun is warm and the wind is yelling and the kids are laughing and there's all these people walking by. the birds are through their voices in the air, the churches are ringing, there's pockets of blue and pieces of light in the sky, but your still the most beautiful thing i have ever seen. 

i have woken to countless mountain tops and worn loose shirts in jazz bars on promising august eyes. i have barricaded myself into cars scattered with boys somewhat synonymous to the sun and smoked enough to burn a priest. i have walked coastlines and been held more time than the shore.

 

i dont long for u to call me beautiful and make up sonnets about my eyes; i have had enough bullshit to kill a drunk. no- put your fingers around all of my rotting flesh, tell me im fucked, that god isnt real and my body is a burden. see my tears and use them as an excuse to declare that my ugliness no longer fazes you, that its all inane anyway. that we're fucking ephemeral and u've grown ever tired of searching, that i will hold you through the night, barely but i will. 

 

with tired hands we cling to the familiar, when i was 7 i told a drunk  i loved him, he had the shadow of my father, the first time we did it i called you oscar, the only boy i ever loved. the animal of our skin remembers things our minds fail. why every man that enters my room could play you. 

moments

  • hope- 'most beautiful girl in the world'
  • reynolds- 'ive always though youre beautiful + stunning + pretty always but u have a glow to you i haven't seen before'
  • reynolds-'youre very kind riley + i would say a lot more people love you + like you then you think'
  • stag- 'i love you riley cuz ur cool'
  • hartley- 'ur a good person riley. if i was allowed to fall in love with you, i reckon i could'

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